Engaging With Reality

Note: publishing this on 4/1 was an accident, I set it to publish “next Monday” without doing the math. Nothing in this was intended as an April Fool’s joke.

Stage 1: Physical Reality is Really Annoying

Recently my job ran out of things for me to do and I went on a break of indeterminate length. This gave me time to do all those things you don’t quite have the blocks of time to do when you’re employed. It turns out I’m a genius at triage and none of these things was worth my time. More specifically…

Backpack with Broken Zipper

The hole was right over the laptop pocket, so this was a pretty big deal, ameliorated only by the fact that I live in California. I got by for a while covering the laptop with paper towels when it rained, but this seemed like a short term solution at best. Otherwise the bag was fine so, so I decided to repair it in a stab against throwaway-culture.

I spent two hours googling and taking it to various shops. Paul’s Shoe Repair in Berkeley finally accepted it and spent a full week being one day from having it repaired. When I finally went in, they told me they found more problems and haven’t fixed any of them. On Facebook, a friend informed me that zippers are notoriously hard to repair. I spent another hour researching backpacks and bought one with a lifetime warranty.

Decorating my Room

$700 and 15 hours later (with one thing yet to do)…. I like it, but it was only worth the time and money because the lack of decoration in my room made my boyfriend sad. It turns out I was correct that the aesthetics of my room just don’t have much impact on my mood. Weirdly, the curtain bar I put up to hang tapestries makes me happier than the actual tapestry.

Dying  Laptop Hinge

I’m old enough to remember when laptops were fragile little babies whose necks you had to cradle to prevent damage. I got a little careless with the way modern harddrives don’t care about being dropped, and forgot that laptops are still physical objects that can break. Eventually clutch cover on my macbook cracked, just a bit. I proceeded to ignore it while part of the cover broke off completely and the hinge lost two screws. This had to be worth repairing- it’s a tiny, mechanical part on an expensive electronic object.

But no, because Apple doesn’t believe in modularity or repairing. There’s no way to just replace the hinge and cover, I’d need an entirely new display, which is $500, plus another $100-$300 in labor, depending on the store. That’s more than half of what the laptop is worth at this point. The third store I took it to replaced a screw, which is not a permanent solution because the data cable is still exposed, but is a significant improvement.

The only consolation here is that I don’t think I made anything worse by waiting. The permanent solution was always going to be an entirely new display.

Dental Crown Replacement

This one I actually did as soon as my dentist recommended it, because as long time readers may remember, I have trigeminal neuralgia ( = a nerve in my jaw is fucked) and I don’t take chances. The neuralgia has been controlled-but-not-cured for a long time: unfortunately the crown was near the neuralgia and the drilling reactivated it, badly. I had forgotten how bad the pain was and how badly it affected me: I have newfound sympathy for 2015!me and some bad decisions she made.

The pain did eventually subside, no thanks to my dentist, who refused to prescribe the harmless, non-addictive medications that help.

Stage 2: Craving

“…and so I resolved to deal with physical reality as little as possible” is the moral I intended to end this post with. The results I’d gotten objectively weren’t worth the time and money I’d poured into them. And yet… I felt better. It was like eating something that tasted bad but contained a micronutrient I was short on.

So I kept going with it. They key thing turned out to not be “physical reality” so much as “doing high friction things.” My life is very, very easy, as long as I stick to certain paths, but that makes leaving the paths daunting. If there’s not an app for it, it’s practically impossible.

So I did my taxes and a budget and a bunch of annoying paperwork, like submitting for reimbursement from my health insurance and moving stock my grandfather gave me as a baby out of my mother’s custody (isn’t aging out of a custodial account totally normal, necessitating a common procedure for it? YES YOU WOULD THINK SO). And that felt good too.

Stage 3: Bootstrapping

For almost two years I was dedicated to solving 3rd world poverty by working at Wave. That didn’t work out, and I found myself with the even more daunting goal of preventing existential risk, with no idea how. So while I still think existential risk is the most important thing, I took a step back to work on the biggest problem I could think of that still felt like interfacing-with-high-friction-reality. 

That turned out to be homelessness. At a very object level, homeless people are easy to help. I could give them food, or a blanket, or tampons, and causally improve their life. Now that is not calculating the counterfactuals or the long term, which is important to do eventually, but I had to get the ground level right first.

I set a couple of rules for myself, but the main one was I couldn’t cherry pick. I had to search out information on what the problems were and take what came to me, and if that meant messy crazy intransigent homeless people, so be it. Luckily that doesn’t seem to be what has happened: the homeless people I have the most access to are friends and friends of friends, who are the high functioning end of homeless. I have made efforts to reach out to less privileged homeless people, but I am not good with strangers under the best of circumstances and my large extrovert friend is taking his sweet time getting back to California. But doing uncomfortable things that bring me more information was the whole point, so I don’t think I can get out of it.


Stage 4: Helping the Homeless

This is what I’ve done so far:

Talked to People in my Social Circle who have been Homeless

This went great, they were super informative, and also had the easiest kind of homelessness to solve. Based on my first conversation I got really excited about trying to convince the rental scooter/bike places to offer free minutes to homeless people. Based on my second conversation I gave up on that because multiple services already offer a discount program (which I had looked for, but not hard enough).

My second conversation also gave me the idea to start a homelessness wiki. Unfortunately this has been done lots of times, poorly. I was confident I could build something that was an improvement over nothing, but not over the three or four existing databases. Another mediocre database just contributes to misinformation and the lack of initiative in resources to keep their entries up to date, so I dropped this too.

It also led to an idea I have yet to find a reason not to do: a homelessness quickstart guide, to orient people who are suddenly homeless. It probably won’t contain a ton of novel information, but having it all in one place will conserve executive function at a stressful time. I have looked and not found anything like this online (the “guides to homelessness” are aimed at long term street people,

Talking to Ray

To avoid cherry picking, I went to talk to the nearest homeless person I could find. This being Berkeley, I had to walk a whole block to find Ray living in a tent on a sidewalk corner. I lucked out and he was friendly, sane, and some kind of unofficial local homeless organizer. The conversation got boring and was hard to extract myself from, but not necessarily more so than other conversations with strangers.  He was happy to share what kind of things people need, which contained a few surprises for me. My intention is to talk to him every few weeks, either when I run into him in the course of my day or have something to give to him.

Volunteering at ShelterTech

ShelterTech is one of the many resource databases that is participating in a trial to share one common database across multiple services. They let you volunteer for a single night (as opposed to 1degree.org, which wants a minimum 130 hour commitment), so I gave it a shot. From this I learned that either my tolerance for open offices dropped even further, or WeWork is especially bad.

Mobile Sandwich Distribution

My aunt’s church makes bagged lunches and distributes them twice a week. I was hoping this would lead to talking to homeless people so I could figure out their needs. I’ve been out twice so far, and my lack of skill at talking to strangers is striking again. Writing this out is making me realize that even if I come up with a plan like the quickstart guide that could let me escape talking to people, I still have to.

I got in an argument with another volunteer about housing regulations.


This was much easier to use, I learned quite a bit that can go into the quick start guide and expect to explicitly ask for help at some point in the future.

Invisible People Videos

This is a video series consisting of ~10 minute interviews with homeless people the creator meets. They are focused on humanizing the homeless and making the point that this could happen to anyone, and spent 0 seconds talking about their bottlenecks. I think they achieve what the creator wanted but were not helpful for my purposes.



How I Research

I frequently do science review articles, e.g., on burnout and MDMA.  A friend recently asked for a quick start guide to doing his own, which I am sharing now in the spirit of “done is better than perfect”. I use examples from two recent projects:

  • my report on the problems and benefits of distributed work teams (which may or may not be publicly released- do comment if you think it would be useful to you).
  • my friend’s report on different sleep interventions, specifically trying to figure out which of the things he thought ought to be tested already had been tested.



  1. scholar.google.com. Search peer reviewed articles.
    There’s a tendency to treat peer review as kind of a totem, and that’s incorrect- lots of bad work gets past peer review and lots of perfectly good work is done without it. For these particular examples, there’s so much crap running around on non-peer-reviewed internet that this was necessary to limit the scope, even though you’ll miss quality content like “that supplement that worked for me for a few months
  2. The google scholar chrome plugin. If you find the abstract of a peer-reviewed paper but need the full text, this  plugin will sometimes find it for you.
  3. Sci-Hub. This keeps getting taken down because it’s legally dubious, but if google scholar can’t find you the full text of a paper, sometimes this can.
  4. Libgen: Sci-Hub for books.
  5. If you can’t find a paper any other way, e-mail the author explaining why it’s useful to you and ask for a copy. People like hearing that their work is being used.


Things to Try

  1. Google scholar search “[thing I care about] + meta-analysis” or “[thing I care about] + review”
  2. Google scholar the obvious thing (“sleep”, “distributed team”).
  3. Ask regular google for exactly what you want. E.g., scholar searching for “sleep intervention meta-analysis” was getting me a bunch of papers on sleep as an intervention for other problems.  I regular-googled “list of sleep interventions with citations” and found a promising paper.
  4. Once I find a promising paper:
    1. see if it uses different terms of art than I have been using, and retry step one. E.g., for sleep research I started with “sleep” when I should have used “insomnia”, and for the business research I thought of “remote teams” and “distributed teams”  but also needed to check “virtual teams.”
    2. Look at papers the paper cited (especially if it is a review paper). Reading the paper will sometimes draw your attention to papers you wouldn’t notice from their titles alone.
    3. Look for forward citations  (click “cited by” on google scholar) (especially if it’s not a review paper). This is often better than backwards citations because it gets you more recent papers.
    4. Look up other papers by the author (either on their website or by clicking their name on google scholar) and check for interesting titles.
  5. Amazon or regular-google search for books on the topic, investigate their authors, who they cite, and their keywords. This is often what I’ll do if I’m not at all familiar with an area, to get myself situated.
  6. Graduate dissertations are also great for orienting yourself, because they have do to a topic review.

Knowing I’m Being Tricked is Barely Enough

I think it was in Terry Pratchett’s Going Postal that a con man mused that the easiest people to rip off were other con men, or at least those who aspired to be so, because all you had to do was make it look like they were taking advantage of you. Honest men wouldn’t fall for it because they weren’t willing to rip you off.* It’s interesting watching myself fall for that.

A year ago Audible (owned by Amazon) offered me a year’s membership (=12 credits for free books, plus discounts on other books and some miscellaneous perks) for $100. That’s almost half off the per credit price (which itself can be can be half the price of buying a book with money, although those prices are clearly set to encourage subscribing rather than to be paid). I was about to start reading a bunch of dense history tomes, so this seemed like a pretty good deal. Then between my plan changing and the library gods being generous, I ended up not using a single credit. Suddenly 11 months had passed and Audible e-mailed me telling me they would renew my membership in a month.

“NBD, I’ll just cancel my account and keep the credits for when I need them” I thought quietly to myself. Only it turns out unused credits disappear if you cancel your membership. To keep them, I’d have to renew my subscription.  But Audible only lets you keep 18 credits at a time. If I renewed for another year, 6 credits will immediately expire, meaning I’m paying for 12 credits but only getting 6. So I went on a spree buying books off my Goodreads queue and gave a few as gifts. Actually I gave one too many gifts, because I realized later there was another good candidate I didn’t have the credits for.

Audible to the rescue. No sooner had I spent my last credit than they offered me three for $30 each- more per credit than I’d paid for my first membership, but less than the annual membership. I went as far as picking out two more books before realizing this was stupid, I had gone an entire year without buying a single audio book, I did not need three more credits.

Then my roommate told me $10/credit isn’t even that good a price, they were sure to offer me a better one when I actually cancelled. And I wanted it. A product I empirically had to be forced to use, and I felt compelled to buy more because it was cheap.

I put this down to two things- “Audible subscriber” was a nice identity to have and I enjoyed the feeling of pulling one over on Audible. I was the dishonest man letting the con man fool him. And I knew this was happening and it was still an act of will that I actually cancelled my subscription.

This story has a happy ending- well, except for the part where I paid $100 for a bunch of books I only marginally wanted. I probably still captured some surplus. But this can not possibly be the only trick Amazon is playing on me, and I don’t know what to do about it.


*I tried to find an exact quote for this and instead found “There is a saying ‘You can’t fool an honest man’ which is much quoted by people who make a profitable living by fooling honest men.” But I’m pretty sure the part I quoted was there too.

Letters to the Future

Like many of you, I have parents. They are in reasonable mental and physical health now, but either they die by physical trauma or live long enough that that is no longer true. If they follow their parents and grandparents they will spend a long period where they are alive and possibly even enjoying it, but lack the mental capacity to manage their own affairs. No one wants this to happen, but it probably will.

If/when the decline happens, it will be useful for a trusted person with more mental capacity to have power of attorney over my parents. I have one sibling, and he spent high school saying “remember, I’ll choose your nursing home” every time our parents did something he didn’t like, so it’s probably me. Unfortunately, one of the hallmarks of incompetence in general is inability to recognize incompetence, and this only gets worse when you mix it with the belligerence of old age and dementia. I’m trying to imagine a more uncomfortable conversation than convincing the person who used to change my diapers that they’ve suffered an Algernon and should let me handle their finances, and there aren’t many.

As an attempted dodge, I asked my dad to write a letter to his future self that I could give him when I felt it necessary. The eventual product included both some tests he could run to see if now was power of attorney time (such as writing out multiple checks for the same bill), and stories of his parents and grandparents who had waited too long.

I don’t have any tips for how to have this conversation with your parents, because my dad is quite reasonable about these things and I punted the conversation with my mom to him. But it is something I recommend, early enough that your parents can consider it hypothetical.

Cortisol Manager for Sleep

I wanted to do a whole rigorous review of all of the individual ingredients, but my new role at work is sucking up all my time and every time I mention “I found a supplement that cured my sleep problem” people demand to know what it is, so screw it, here’s the unscientific version.

Cortisol is the long term stress hormone. High cortisol at night can prevent you from falling asleep, or cause you to wake up in the middle of the night. I had this problem a lot, usually at 3 AM.  I started taking Cortisol Manager and started sleeping through the night, which, wow, is everything I dreamed it would be. It is not the only reason I went from working 60 hours/week to working 90, but it was a contributor.

[Note: “work” means “consciously chose to do a thing, of any kind, as opposed to looking up and realizing I’d just spent 40 minutes on Reddit.”, although my actual job-work hours did go up too]

Cortisol Manager has a number of ingredients, two of which I know anything about:

  • Ashwaganda, which is an “adaptogen”, raising or lowering cortisol as you need it. This is good, because cortisol is extremely important for getting out of bed in the morning. Taking ashwaganda alone does not seem to help me.
  • Theanine, an amino acid that lowers anxiety. Theanine alone leads to higher quality sleep for me, and helps my anxiety enough to be used for dental visits before I got a prescription for something stronger.


I’ve been on and off CM in the past. At points it depressed on cortisol too much (although right now I need two tabs/night), other times it just didn’t feel necessary. But it is extremely necessary for me right now, and at least one friend has benefited tremendously from me sharing the recommendation.


I have published a lit review on burnout. You can read it at the new EA Forum. I think a lot of the value will come from discussion in the comments and I want to keep them all in one place, so please comment there rather than there.